Friday, January 20, 2012


If anyone watches mid-day television (I only occasionally get to when I'm allowed to take my lunch breaks at home), there is an afternoon show that features a panel of popular "talent" who, depending on the day, try and guess the top 10 most popular celebrities/celebrity couples/sports senshu/things among a certain demographic of polled people (more often than not, this demographic is women ages 30-50). The talent get point cards for every right answer, and the "winner" usually gets to taste-test some sort of food that they introduce near the end of the show.

The other segment that they often feature on the show is the "誰かに言いたいトップ5ランキング" (I suppose you could translate it as "The 'You Want To Tell Someone' Top Five Ranking") and as the name suggests, it is a top five ranking of something that someone wants to share. This top five ranking can and has included anything, from top five Tokyo all-you-can-eat buffets, to top five most beautiful snowy onsens, to top five most popular Mr. Donuts donuts. It's a pretty fun segment to watch, and the talent always react amusingly when they get to try the no.1 ranked steak or nabe (if you can get past the annoying audience scream "食べたいいい〜良いなあああ〜” the entire time).

I decided I want to do a 'Top Five Ranking' of my own on this blog, and have decided to post my 'Top Five Gotta Tell Someone'-s every once in awhile. This first one was spurred on by a segment I saw on my favorite morning TV show ZIP today. They were talking about non-alcoholic drinks and how their production and popularity have increased dramatically over the past year. I myself have noticed the varieties of "non-alcoholic beer" increase in the past months, as well as the CM's for them increase in frequency and variety. Anyway! Without further ado I give you my first 'Top Five Ranking':

Top Five Stupidest Non-Alcoholic Drinks
and why (in my opinion)
five = least offensive while one = most offensive

5. Non-alcoholic Sake: While amazake has a pretty low percentage of alcohol to start with (if it has any at all), Sake with no alcohol seems absurd. You can't call it sake if it has no SAKE in it! Even so, I see it given out at festivals all the time to children and adults alike. It seems too traditional and deep-rooted to really make much of a fuss. Plus, I think it's pretty tasty :)

4. Non-alcoholic Beer: I don't understand why anyone would want to drink beer when it has no booze in it to at least make the awful taste worth while.... but I give this a little more credit than most things. Nothing else tastes like beer, and if you really truly like the taste of beer (I'm talking about normal, shitty beer. not yummy micro-brews), then I suppose this is a good option for when you want the taste and not the inebriation. (I have had the Suntory all-free and Kirin free before and I think they're both actually not terrible)

3. Non-alcoholic HighBall: In the English speaking world, a High Ball is a clasification of drink, made with soda and a certain type of liquor in a high ball glass.... in Japan is seems to be exclusively whiskey and water/soda water/flavored soda. I've never tried one of these fake ones.... but really. Why would you want to reproduce the taste of whiskey in cheap soda? It seems idiotic, and judging from the color of the liquid in that bottle, should probably just be called ginger ale instead.

2. Non-alcoholic Wine: Sparkling grape juice. That's all it is. All calling it "wine" does, is make adults not feel like children on New Years Eve. Wine is fermented grape juice. Grape juice is non-fermented grapes. If you're so embarrased about having a soft drink with dinner, ask for it in a wine glass or champagne flute. Don't go around calling it "non-alcoholic wine" when it's juice.

1. Non-alcoholic Chu-Hi: This makes me the angriest of all of them. How companies get away with calling shitty-tasting soda "non-alcoholic chu-hi" and jacking up the price absolutely floors me. I also don't understand why anyone would buy something like this. Unless you are trying to get a contact-high (or drunk in this case) from the mere fact that you are drinking something called a "chu-hi," I'd give up and just buy a CC Lemon. It tastes better AND has the added bonus of vitamin C.

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